Dave Cameron, on April 20th, 2017, in front of a packed crowd at Sabina Park, featuring legends- Lara, Sobers, Hall, Richards and, Jason Holder- a personal favorite of his, took to the podium and holding a copy of his bestseller “ Dream for West Indies: not yet a waste“, revealed mega plans to resurrect West Indies Cricket.
“It hurts me”, said Cameron teary eyed and added, “it really hurts me to see where we are today. “And I don’t mean here at Sabina Park, Kingston which is burning at 45 degrees! “It hurts me to see where our cricket is going gentlemen. But not anymore shall we stay marooned under doubt, hogged by despair, clobbered by a harrowing recent cricketing past.”
“I have a dream my friends, and I wish to make West Indies Cricket great again, greater than the audience for Sir Curtly’s Antiguan electric band, richer than an average Guyanese household earning from sugarcane sale and, happier and excited than Virat Kohli’s fans who can’t stand his beard anymore.”
Cameron, now seriously eliciting a newfound confidence, continued “And, I want you all to dream with me”.
“There was a time when I saw Sir Viv butcher Lillee, Thomson and Kapil with a minor twitch of a muscle. And I thought, god what did he eat for breakfast? Why don’t our boys get the same red meat? But then I thought to myself, maybe I should start leaving a quarter of breakfast for Alzarri and Bishoo. They need to learn something from Rakhim Cornwall after all. At 145 kg’s, he is Morkel, Steyn and Ajinkya combined. What on earth is Bishoo chewing?
There was a time when Malcolm Marshall would come steaming in hard and pummel Ian Chappell and Gavaskar’s concentration, giving them nightmares with furious bouncers. It was about toil and practice. Then I thought, maybe I should take my boys to Barbadian beaches and ask them to generate bounce on the sand!”
How long will Shannon, Alzarri and Holder rely on bowling machines? Also, the last Holder bowled a bouncer was in 2007 Cricket Brian Lara video game special!
“Gentlemen with those opening thoughts, allow me to pin down a list of essentials I have declared West Indian manifesto as official”, Cameron declared with an urgency in voice.
- Henceforth, Ashley Nurse and Kireon Powell would open our batting, across formats. For making more runs than West Indies’ top 3 in the ODIs against Pakistan, Nurse has been promoted. Powell, I think will learn something valuable from Ashley; over his baseball swats, none of which you and I have witnessed recently.
- Any of West Indian playing 11 will have to necessarily sport a Sunil Narine Mohawk. It’s essential that we give fans’ every penny’s worth whether we win or lose.
- I will receive singing lessons professionally from Dwayne ‘Champion’ Bravo by end-April. The next single, written exclusively to motivate the West Indies from rising from their current Test, ODI rankings will be named ‘Ninth’.
- I have banned the likes of Shiv Chanderpaul and Brian Lara from getting close to current cricket contingent. Seeing legends of such pristine value and pedigree, it’s highly likely that our youngsters will faint and succumb to a spell. And West Indies cricket can afford another loss, but not an injury. Sorry Brian, but, you’ll always remain a champ for former Kenyan cricketers and me.
- Under no circumstances would a West Indian cricketer be allowed access to a social media account. Not prior to a match. Not in any game’s’ aftermath. Not even in a leap year. This, decisive step, will ensure they focus on the game and game alone. Am sure it will give Kraigg Brathwaitte a perspective in life, above than wearing his girlfriend’s gold locket whilst batting.
- We’ve decided to showcase that famous table at Eden Garden’s Press Box where Marlon leapt his legs upon his ostentatious taking down of Ben Stokes, his best friend, post-2016’s win. This is the greatest achievement of Samuels’ career and it’ll help him regain some insight of life. We don’t want to lose out on him. Plus, its fair he remains sacked until BCCI parcel the wood piece into the Caribbean.
- West Indies cricketers will only be allowed to have serious emotional relationships with themselves. Post reading Darwin’s Origin of the Species, am convinced, having a strong bond among one’s own tribe helps mankind develop. And these are fast learners. No wives, girlfriends allowed henceforth.
- The Jersey of Holder in ODI has been revamped to 1 instead of 55, suggesting he can no longer afford to bowl as many extras in a game.
- We have included a couple of new players from Bratislava. Having foreign players signed up for national appearances helps teams. Look at Rabada for Faf’s South Africa. Or, Chris Morris for Delhi Daredevils. Wait, is Dirk Nannes still around? Can he migrate to St. Lucia? We’ve asked our greatest captain Sammy to help around.
- Finally, and most importantly, West Indies Cricket is going to fund a new cricketing contest aimed at igniting talent and recalibrating our enormous zest for Cricket. It’s been decided that a special tournament is going to be held each year, twice in a row, targeting IPL’s popularity. We will have senior, axed cricketers on one hand that I’ve personally smothered away from the team- Gayle, Pollard, both Bravo brothers, Narine, Russell, Simmons and, Samuels and the youngsters on another side. Titled, the Universal Lions vs Universal Minions, we aim to sell broadcast rights to Channel Nine Australia; Gideon Haigh is helping negotiate the deal.
With these firmaments finely highlighting the critical need to revitalise West Indies Cricket, I seek your profound Co-operation gentlemen. Now, Sir Gary and Sir Viv, “if you could kindly ask Lara and Chanderpaul to get the hell out please? And yeah, kindly leave a check worth USD $ 500 for attending this epic arsehattery. Work begins now. “
Disclaimer: the author wishes to only entertain readers with this parody account of the current crisis in the West Indies.